Why do I feel lost?
What did I lose?
At that moment I felt like I was the luckiest person ever, to have a chance to take part in this company trip and to get this nice job so fast after graduation, to have basically everything on track, but why do I still feel like there is this large gap in my heart waiting to be filled?
What more do I want?
I have a feeling that it has got something to do with who I am as a person.
Who am I?
Going to Beijing made me realize a lot of things. This identity thing, this entire 'you are Chinese so you belong to China no matter what your nationality is' thing is very confusing. I am Malaysian. I have a Malaysian passport. I am a Malaysian citizen.
But am I?
This multicultural country thing kind of make things ambiguous. Yes, it is great that we have so many different cultures and different ethnicities that made up one beautiful country that is now slowly progressing to the better, but with this, there are still some debates and controversy surrounding the entire thing. Take the Chinese thing for example, why do I feel the need to tell people that my great-grandfather migrated here from China for a better living and thus I was born here, making me Malaysian. However, mainland Chinese will say that, no, your great-grandfather was from mainland China, that means you're also mainland Chinese, it's in your blood.
龙的传人，炎黄子孙
Why do mainland Chinese likes to claim other Chinese immigrants as their own? Like this 'Chinese' identity is so important to them? I say I am Malaysian and they told me no, you are mainland Chinese. Asian American, Malaysians, Indonesian Chinese, Thai Chinese, and all those other previously mainland Chinese who had long left the country and became permanent residents in other countries, they have their own identity now. They are what they identify themselves as their identity is not up to you to say.
I have no idea where I am going with this. It's just that I am so sick and tired of people telling me, especially mainland Chinese, telling me that I am also mainland Chinese. I am Malaysian. The mainland Chinese identity is way before me. I have been in this country for 4 generations now, don't you think me calling myself mainland Chinese is a bit absurd?
Identity is a weird thing, and it is interesting to explore. I will not go into detail but just to highlight the plain absurdity of claiming someone to be something when that person is not. But what I feel important is that whatever you choose to call yourself, there is no right or wrong. With all these social issues going on, I feel that it is important to let people be and let them be comfortable with how they want to live and what they want to call themselves. No one has the right to police anyone's preferred personal pronoun, gender, sexuality, and so on. As long as it is not causing any harm to anyone or the society then just let them be. Why do you want to boycott them, or shit on them just because they are something that you do not like, or think is wrong?. Then that is your own opinion, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but when that opinion downright degrades a person to less than a human being, then there is a problem.
I've talked about this issue with Seb on the way to KL from Penang. We talk a lot about social issues, philosophical stuff and all those deep meaningful things like what is life and what is the meaning and then we both get depressing and nihilistic. I talked about the role of women in this society and how it is so oppressive and it has been engrained and so deeply rooted in the system that they cannot even tell that there is indeed an inequality. I voiced this out and Seb was genuinely surprised towards some of the points that I told him. But sometimes he would be like 'not all men...' and 'um actually...', typical misogynistic and mansplaining term, but I get where he's coming from. I understand. The sexism and the discrimination and the oppression have been around for so many years and there is just something that they cannot see and of course, they are not women, they do not know how it feels to be a woman in this society. Sometimes they would try to justify their male privilege by shutting down some of my arguments (for example radical feminists and the usage of the term 'feminism' is not inclusive and all that) but, also I get where he's coming from, and I try to educate him as best as I could, although sometimes he would not listen and would still try to justify his point of view as a man, which I would get super frustrated at and ~scream~ at him about it (I use the squiggly line cos it's not a full on scream, but like raised voice almost scream kind).
Back to the issue I was talking about earlier, about me being 'mainland Chinese' and not Malaysian despite being born in Malaysia and have lived here for most of my life. When people made comments like that it makes me feel some kind of feelings, like when I went to Tian An Men, I wanted to feel proud, like yes President Mao thank you for this new China but then I am not mainland Chinese? I am not in the position to feel proud? Why am I proud? It's none of my business? It's a weird feeling. I am struck with awe but then immediately a feeling of dismay and all of those negative feelings would come crashing and I just want to hide under the covers and never come out.
What are these feelings if I may ask?
I don't know. And I can't put a finger on it. Maybe I'll understand it more when I get more in touch with myself.
