I am blessed with everything and nothing at the same time and it is seriously stressing me out

I went to Beijing on a company trip recently and I felt so surreal. Like I just went to a dystopian nightmare and woke up. The entire trip felt like it was constructed in my own head after drinking too much alcohol. It's like I was looking at myself going through life from far away. The trip was nice, I enjoyed it. I got to see the places that I always wanted to go, like Tian An Men, The Forbidden City, Great Wall, all those places that I wanted to go and I've been there. When I was there I felt a sense of pride and fascination rushed over me but then it only lasted for a while. And after that, it was a feeling of dread and even loss.

Why do I feel lost?

What did I lose?

At that moment I felt like I was the luckiest person ever, to have a chance to take part in this company trip and to get this nice job so fast after graduation, to have basically everything on track, but why do I still feel like there is this large gap in my heart waiting to be filled?

What more do I want?

I have a feeling that it has got something to do with who I am as a person.

Who am I?

Going to Beijing made me realize a lot of things. This identity thing, this entire 'you are Chinese so you belong to China no matter what your nationality is' thing is very confusing. I am Malaysian. I have a Malaysian passport. I am a Malaysian citizen.

But am I?

This multicultural country thing kind of make things ambiguous. Yes, it is great that we have so many different cultures and different ethnicities that made up one beautiful country that is now slowly progressing to the better, but with this, there are still some debates and controversy surrounding the entire thing. Take the Chinese thing for example, why do I feel the need to tell people that my great-grandfather migrated here from China for a better living and thus I was born here, making me Malaysian. However, mainland Chinese will say that, no, your great-grandfather was from mainland China, that means you're also mainland Chinese, it's in your blood.

龙的传人，炎黄子孙

Why do mainland Chinese likes to claim other Chinese immigrants as their own? Like this 'Chinese' identity is so important to them? I say I am Malaysian and they told me no, you are mainland Chinese. Asian American, Malaysians, Indonesian Chinese, Thai Chinese, and all those other previously mainland Chinese who had long left the country and became permanent residents in other countries, they have their own identity now. They are what they identify themselves as their identity is not up to you to say.

I have no idea where I am going with this. It's just that I am so sick and tired of people telling me, especially mainland Chinese, telling me that I am also mainland Chinese. I am Malaysian. The mainland Chinese identity is way before me. I have been in this country for 4 generations now, don't you think me calling myself mainland Chinese is a bit absurd?

Identity is a weird thing, and it is interesting to explore. I will not go into detail but just to highlight the plain absurdity of claiming someone to be something when that person is not. But what I feel important is that whatever you choose to call yourself, there is no right or wrong. With all these social issues going on, I feel that it is important to let people be and let them be comfortable with how they want to live and what they want to call themselves. No one has the right to police anyone's preferred personal pronoun, gender, sexuality, and so on. As long as it is not causing any harm to anyone or the society then just let them be. Why do you want to boycott them, or shit on them just because they are something that you do not like, or think is wrong?. Then that is your own opinion, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but when that opinion downright degrades a person to less than a human being, then there is a problem.

I've talked about this issue with Seb on the way to KL from Penang. We talk a lot about social issues, philosophical stuff and all those deep meaningful things like what is life and what is the meaning and then we both get depressing and nihilistic. I talked about the role of women in this society and how it is so oppressive and it has been engrained and so deeply rooted in the system that they cannot even tell that there is indeed an inequality. I voiced this out and Seb was genuinely surprised towards some of the points that I told him. But sometimes he would be like 'not all men...' and 'um actually...', typical misogynistic and mansplaining term, but I get where he's coming from. I understand. The sexism and the discrimination and the oppression have been around for so many years and there is just something that they cannot see and of course, they are not women, they do not know how it feels to be a woman in this society. Sometimes they would try to justify their male privilege by shutting down some of my arguments (for example radical feminists and the usage of the term 'feminism' is not inclusive and all that) but, also I get where he's coming from, and I try to educate him as best as I could, although sometimes he would not listen and would still try to justify his point of view as a man, which I would get super frustrated at and ~scream~ at him about it (I use the squiggly line cos it's not a full on scream, but like raised voice almost scream kind).

Back to the issue I was talking about earlier, about me being 'mainland Chinese' and not Malaysian despite being born in Malaysia and have lived here for most of my life. When people made comments like that it makes me feel some kind of feelings, like when I went to Tian An Men, I wanted to feel proud, like yes President Mao thank you for this new China but then I am not mainland Chinese? I am not in the position to feel proud? Why am I proud? It's none of my business? It's a weird feeling. I am struck with awe but then immediately a feeling of dismay and all of those negative feelings would come crashing and I just want to hide under the covers and never come out.

What are these feelings if I may ask?

I don't know. And I can't put a finger on it. Maybe I'll understand it more when I get more in touch with myself.

I wanna hear you say it again

So it's Saturday and I decided to stay in and then I got screamed at by two people so FINE. I went out to the Altstadt cos you know it's time to start buying souvenirs and presents since it's my last weekend here.

*sobs*

And it's so darn COLD today omg! It's 35 degrees two days ago and all of a sudden it's 20 today. What the heck? I was so happy that I could wear shorts and dresses and tank tops already and now I had to wrap up again.

Disappoint.

Yeah, it was too darn hot when it's hot, and stupid Germany (no, sorry, EUROPE) doesn't use fans or aircons so good luck to you being stuck in a room with 14 other people with no fan or aircon and the sun shining in like the devil's ass.

Good god.

So I went to Altstadt and I got magnets and a Düsseldorf bear (it's basically a bear wearing a Düsseldorf shirt, it's so darn cute), and shit ton (yes, shit ton) of Lindt chocolates, and a gift for my dad, for my mom I still have no clue what to buy her. I went to Douglas (it's like a simplified version of Sephora, haha, that's what I think anyway) and there's nothing that she'll like (since my mama is those beautiful women that don't wear perfume cos she's nice smelling already, it's hard for me cos I love perfume and I wanna get her perfume but she doesn't wear perfume, why you wanna make my life so hard mama?) I was thinking YSL lipstick, but then they don't have YSL, so I was like 'What about Dior?' and then I remembered that she showed off her Dior lipstick to me last CNY so I was like 'Ya kno what, I'll look in London.' So I didn't get her anything (YET) and I feel so bad. I bought more books! A fairy tale book by Grimm Brothers (in German of course)

Fun fact: Cinderella in German is Aschenputtel. I know right?

And then Norwegian Wood in German (I already have the English one and Chinese one, so if anyone is going to Japan, bring me back the Japanese version? I'm so mad I didn't buy the French and Dutch version, stupid stupid stupid) Norwegian Wood is not even Norwegian Wood in German.

WTF you saying, Delilah?

I mean the title is not the direct translation of 'Norwegian Wood', it is Naoko Lächeln (Naoko Smiles). I was like 'wait, the name sounds familiar' and then I looked inside for the first paragraph then I immediately knew it's NW, you know why? Cos the first paragraph is about Toru on a plane flying from or to Germany. Why I know? Cos I read that first paragraph so many times before. And why is that?

Cos I love NW so darn much.

Bis bald,
Delilah.

Zweiundzwanzing?

So I went to Köln (or COLOGNE, like he argued with me, but we're both correct, I do not understand why people want to make an English version of the name of a place like just say Köln it's not that hard)

[*small inner voice* you have Chinese version for names too]

(Shut up)

It's like a 20 train ride and my ride was chill cos I travelled with the ICE. Eh? ICE is Intercity Express btw. So I got to Köln and I started to worry about getting lost (cos you know I tend to get lost A LOT) and the main attraction in Köln is, of course, the Kölner Dom. So naturally I wanted to go there first, I was revising the route that I took pics of from my Mac cos my phone is wonky and then before we pulled up into the station I saw it. It's just right there. 

Literally right in front of the station. 

And I was sitting there worrying about getting there when I don't have to. All of its main attractions are in that area so it's pretty easy to find most of them. Okay, lemme just say something about the church. It's huge. And it's so amazing. The details of the church are just magnificent, I don't have words to even describe it. I got the chance to hear the bells, and I read that it's as old as the church, which is a few hundred years old. 

Oh wow.

And the sound that they made were both haunting and beautiful. It went on for a few minutes and I'm glad that I was able to enjoy that. I love church bells so much. I went into the church, not before being stopped by the guards (?) cos my shoulders were showing. Okay fine. (My dress was a bit off shouldered.) So I put on my jacket (I brought it cos I'm afraid that it'll get cold all of a sudden but it didn't, yay) to cover my scandalous shoulders. And then in I go. And then guess what I saw. Women in tank tops and strapless dresses. 

Eh hello, kenapa you tak stop dia orang? Racist ke? 

Fine, whatever. I was stared at, cat-called, made fun of, called Japanese (kay maybe this is not much of an insult, it's just funny cos every European thinks I am Japanese like it's the only kind of Asian there is) during my time here so meh. A guy screamed 'Konnichiwa' at me and then got mad when I didn't respond. Well I shouldn't, cos a) I am not Japanese, and b) I was wearing earphones listening to music so it would be perfectly normal if I couldn't hear you, stupid). and c) you're high/ drunk so any normal, rational person would go far far away from you, no? Never seen a beautiful, lone, Asian girl walking down the streets before, meh? 

Idiot.

Now back to the church. 

 The inside was pretty boring too. (I am a very bad person I know) But I like the stained glass windows. I am not a very religious person so it doesn't really impress me I guess. But I like the outside of it and that's true. And then I went to Museum Ludwig, I didn't go in cos I am not really a big fan of contemporary art. I went to the gift shop tho. (Always go to museum gift shops lol) It's a nice little shop with books on art and postcards and little quirky stuff. Art is amazing. And then I went to have a stroll along the Rhein. 

Yeah, alone.

What a sad sight.

But I am a smart, strong, independent lady who can stroll along the Rhein no problem. I have to admit one thing though, I really miss my boy at that moment, cos I saw so many couples and families having fun there and I am alone. It's not a good feeling, but what can I do. It still feels really surreal here tho, like I am really in Germany, enjoying the river breeze (is that even a word lol) and eating hazelnut ice cream. (I am both glad and a bit offended that the ice cream guy spoke to me in English even tho I spoke in German, oh well.) Then I went to the Roman-Germanic Museum, also only the outside cos you know, I am cheap and you can pretty much see what is inside, mostly stones and more slabs of gigantic stones with words carved on them. I wanted to go to this zoo? museum? place that's a bit far away but then I am a paranoid and anxious little mess, I decided to sit in Starbucks and chill for a few hours. 

Literally.

I bought peach green tea even. Barista spoke English to me again. I am trying to learn your language, please :( Then I got a massive headache in Starbucks, it's not good at all. I am getting a lot of headaches lately idk why. Then I went to this bookstore wanting to get me some German books. Children books preferably cos I am still children level in German haha. I saw a shop selling all things gummy and I almost shat my pants (okay dress) cos I love gummies. But I didn't buy any cos I have excellent self-control (no I do not) So then I just stroll around the station, going into random shops, buying magnets and postcards, and also lotion (finally), and then I got books too. An English one which looks really interesting, and 'The Little Prince' in German. 

Der Kleine Prinz.

So all of a sudden there were a lot of Polizei and also Polizei Hunde. I got scared of course, and they were blocking off some places and the speaker was announcing something about the police also (didn't catch everything cos they talk fast and I am just bad) and my train got delayed cos there's something on the tracks and I was just stressing out and was so frustrated. Then after 20+ mins of delay, they announced that they changed platform for my train and I RAN. It was so funny. There were omas in front of me and I just wanted to push them away, like MOVE I PAID 10+ EURO FOR THIS TICKET I AM NOT MISSING THIS TRAIN! Then when I got to the platform the train was just there and I got on, safe and sound. 

So in short, Köln was nice. A bit boring (I say this to all the places that I went to maybe it's cos I went to all of those places alone so I can't make stupid comments on things or people), I really like the church, and also the ice-cream.

Hehe.

Tschüss,

Delilah

Night Night Nipple Girl

I have never eaten so much bread in my life and I think I've eaten enough bread for a small army going to war on a deserted island in just two weeks. The bread here is better. Which is true, not because I'm saying this cos I am in Germany (and everyone takes their bread so seriously omg), it is just the truth, or that I am just too lazy to make decent food and bread is cheap and I can make bread with ham, bread with cheese, bread with chocolate spread, toast with cheese, toast with ham, toast with chocolate spread etc etc etc. In conclusion, I am a very lazy person and I rather eat bread than making myself decent food. Okay, confession, so I spent most of my grocery money on sweets and yoghurt (in my defence yoghurt here is CHEAP!) I bought lots of sweets here because this place is heaven for a person who CONSTANTLY needs something sweet in their mouth. And I am those people. I am so HAPPY that Haribo here is so cheap and I get to eat it EVERYDAY.

Like literally binge eat gummy bears.

Everyday.

What is life?

Germany is heaven.

Deutschland ist der Himmel.

Und ich bin ein Narr.

Okay I know you told me to not call myself that but I am. I can't help it. Admit it you like me because I am stupid enough.

Eh?

So this post will be about food. I figure that talking about my daily routine is kinda boring so my not something interesting and relatable to everyone? Like food?

Wir ♥ Lebensmittel.

Which is the slogan for one of the supermarkets that I do my grocery shoppings here.

Edeka.

I like grocery shopping here in Germany because it lets me see how people here live. Like my mother, she is also a big fan of the supermarket in other countries because it is interesting. You get to see what people eat, use, or buy on the daily basis. (And also see what they have that we don't and then complain to everybody back home about that one thing) I like strolling (yes, stroll) down the aisle for sweets and chocolates because I am a gigantic woman child and I have a diabetes level sweet tooth. So, like I said before, I spent most of my money on sweets, Haribo gummy bears to be exact. I love it so much. I've gotten warnings from my friends and my man about eating so many gummy bears but I just can't stop. I bought a 360g pack and I am enjoying myself so much. I bring it to class and just casually eat it during class and it's nice. I like gummy bears okay! It's not like I have an addiction to it.

Maybe I do. 

But the addiction will be over when I go back to Malaysia and they see it RM11 plus for a not so big pack. Ugh. Malaysia economy. Oh ya food in Germany. I like the currywurst. It is bratwurst with curry sauce but it is not exactly curry sauce, it tastes like spaghetti bolognese sauce with curry powder. I was worried that it's gonna be spicy cos you know I am weak I don't eat spicy food but that day Rachel and I went to get it and it is not spicy at all. I love it a lot. And then I want to try the döner but then you know the portion in Germany, well not Germany, in the entire Europe is gigantic and I am a small little Asian girl (haha what lol no) I can't finish the portion. Everything is big here, it is so scary. So maybe one day I will try the döner. Coincidentally there's a döner shop in where I do my grocery shopping (come to think of it that place has everything hmmmm) so yeah why not get one next time I go to get more bread and gummy bears (hahaha but seriously)

Also y'all know how addicted to caffeine I am right? So here's a little story for you all. When I first arrived, I didn't have coffee for days because a) I don't know how to use a stupid coffee maker, and b) I am trash that drinks instant coffee, and c) I am too cheap to buy 'to-go' coffee. So those few days I was cranky and tired and just horrible. When I pass by cafes, I would automatically start to salivate, that is how bad this is. So then I got to get instant coffee, then I am alive. I survive on crappy food and an unhealthy diet, don't be like me, kids. I have two apples in my cabinet now and I don't know when will I finally eat them, cos it took me like two weeks to eat two apples. I am those people that want to eat healthy, bought healthy food, but then never eat them. Like my apples. So when you see me, scream at me to eat my apples or else they will go bad. And also my eggs. I neglected them cos I am lazy to cook them since I have bread so I can just make a sandwich and no need to wash frying pans.

Hahaha.

My laziness has no limits.

So there is nothing much I can say about the food cos I don't FREAKING EAT THEM. I didn't go to the restaurants cos it's expensive and here you have to tip and I am already poor so no thanks. I want ice-cream very badly but then I am on my period and I have terrible cramps (actually it's better now that I am on the pill hmm hmm hmm thank, birth control) but one day I will get them. Oh maybe I'll get it when I go to Köln tomorrow.

Ehehehehehe.

I am sorry mom and dad for spending your money like it's water. I am a very bad daughter and I will repay you when I marry a billionaire husband and then wait for him to die 'mysteriously' and then inherit all of his fortunes so that I can take you two around the world in first class. No, just kidding. But I will find a nice job, make enough to let you two enjoy life when you two retire like how you let me enjoy life now in my 20s. I promise.

AND IN FIRST CLASS!!

I promise. 

Your beautiful daughter,
Delilah

I Know That You Got Daddy Issues, Daddy Issues, Daddy Issues

It has been a few days (or a week, I don't know) since I last updated. It has been an amazing few weeks here in Düsseldorf. The city is beautiful, and sometimes even surreal because I just can't believe that I am actually here, taking the bus to IIK, grocery shopping, wandering around, taking the U-Bahn etc.

Es ist sehr großartig.

I have to walk quite some distance to IIK everyday, a few mins on foot to the bus stop, and then a get down at the next stop (I could walk there but I bought the 56+ euro Young Ticket to I intend to go everywhere with public transport even if I could walk), and then walk a few mins to IIK. I do a lot of walking here, like how I do in UNMC but here the weather is nice (sometimes). It's an average of 22 degrees here, but yesterday it reached about 29 degrees when I went out wandering in the Altstadt. Lucky I brought some of my regular clothes (ie clothes that I wear in Malaysia) and if it continues to be this hot, it means I have to start shaving. I wanted to stop shaving altogether when I came to Europe since I'll be wearing long sleeves and jeans so no one will see but since it's getting hot, might as well.

Sigh.

After the sweltering heat yesterday, it rained like crazy, so the temperature dropped back to 19 degrees this morning. I am kind of pissed since I am so ready to wear shorts and t-shirt (okay I didn't bring t-shirt but you get what I mean) and I even SHAVED MY LEGS! I really hate shaving my legs cos it's tedious and I hate how it feels when it grows back.

Oh well.

So apparently we are living very near a refugee centre. It is on the way to my bus stop. It doesn't bother me, but one of my housemate's friend keeps on telling us to be careful and saying like the refugees are not human and will rape/kill/rob us. I don't like how he described them and to be honest, they are people too.

如果这片土地有未来，谁还想离乡背井
Who would want to leave this place if it has a future

I relate to this because you know, Tawau, as someone who has to leave home to pursue a better future. And in their situation it's worse, their country is in WAR. God damn WAR. Imagine that when you're free from your high paying job, secure and comfortable life, and high-tech mobile phones. I have seen some of them outside the place just sitting and playing around (the children), they seemed harmless enough, and nice even. So I don't know why the discrimination towards them.

Lessons are generally fine. It's all in German and you know my listening is not that great. I drift off sometimes and usually would misunderstand things but it's fine overall. We have less than 20 people in a class and I tried to make friends, really I did, but I guess it's not going so well for me.

How do you friendship?

Guess it's still something I have to work on. But to tell the truth, I am also comfortable to be on my own. I am my own friend, I have my own back. But whenever I am lost when I want to go somewhere, I would wish someone would be there to point out ways for me cos I am the WORST when it comes to directions. I have the talent to get lost when I go somewhere new.

Every. Single. Time

I always manage to walk to the other completely opposite direction. I don't know why. Any company needs no-direction-always-lost employees then I am your girl.

I have a lot that I want to say but I can't think of how to form it in words but maybe someday I will.

Haha.

Also I went to Sollingen and went to see the Müngsten Brücke. And also Wuppertal. And I am going to Köln this Sunday, by myself.

Just hope I don't get lost.

Again.


Ciao,
Delilah

Where the hell is my station?!

So after a long and tiring day, I finally get to Düsseldorf. This day was horrible, I can't even describe it. I missed my connecting bus cos the people of Roermond don't know where their station is. Or was it closed?

I don't know.

All I know is just I was running around with my 18kg luggage, getting blisters on both of my hands, cramping on both legs in the same place for an hour cos I got 5 different answers from 5 different locals.

Frustrating?

Yes.

I am near to tears when I asked a man and his son where I'm supposed to go.  I didn't know if they were locals or not but they did help me to a city tour guide (whatever that is written on her shirt)  and then that tour guide took me to the information counter, and then the information counter lady asked me to go buy a new ticket for Düsseldorf. And during that process, I was fed up and angry and tired and angry and I just wanted to go home.

Never mind.

Just bear in mind I was utterly lost and I missed my bus to Düsseldorf and I had to purchase a new ticket costing me 15.50 euro cos the driver is kind enough to let me buy the ticket on the spot, and also they speak German and I feel like I am home.

I am not fluent still but German at that time was so comforting to me.

So then I got to Düsseldorf, got to the U-bahn, get to my flat and met my nice flatmates. Girls from China, Hong Kong, and also Malaysia. The Malaysian was fasting so I didn't really disturb her. We had a nice chat at the balcony and it made me forget about my incident back then in Roermond (or hell). I was calling my boyfriend frustrated and crying so I was so sad and also angry and tired.

My arms and legs are spaghetti and I had a gigantic cut on my thumb from when I almost missed my U-Bahn station in Kennedydamm. I didn't even notice until I saw blood everywhere. My landlord, Herr Müller was a nice man. He speaks very fast German, but I could understand, okay like maybe 30% but I got those important keywords. We're going to have a replacement test tomorrow to determine which class we should go to. I am excited and also feeling lazy cos my solo journey has come to an end and I have to go study now.

Anyways, I hate Roermond even if it's a beautiful city. The locals were NOT helpful at all, well some of them, especially the information guides. I managed to suppress my panic attack, but not the crying tho.

And also U-Bahn is the subway in Germany.

Bis dann,
Delilah

Amsterdam is really beautiful

I came back to the hostel early cos my day pass is going to expire soon.
It's nice being the only one in the room. I had the place to myself for a while and it's nice. I hate sharing, I really do. But what can I do when the Airbnb and hotels are so expensive. (cries in Chinese) The hostel is nice, pretty place, amazing facilities, friendly staff, but I just hate hate HATE not having my own personal space. I need my little space to just recharge cos I need to not see people for a bit. I want and need my peace and quiet.

Amsterdam is not peace and quiet.

Well, at least not in the tourist places. 

I went to Leidseplein first and I just gotta tell you this. You know I'm horrible at maps right? Right, keep that in mind. And my phone's GPS is wonky, it's important, remember that. So I have to walk to this tram station, no problem, I can walk, but the problem is my GPS is not showing my exact location so I was left wandering around wondering if I'm in the right place. I went to this tram station, which turns out is NOT my station. So okay, fine, I went to another one, which is also NOT my station. I was so mad at myself cos I am dumb, so eventually, third time's a charm, I went to the right one. Tram 14. Finally.
So I got to Leidseplein, and it's beautiful. I was so overwhelmed by the number of people there I just shut down for a while. So I started walking around taking pictures of buildings cos it's really beautiful. I can't even put into words how pretty it is. But the number of people is just pure nightmare. I walked along the street, using my instinct cos I don't really mind getting lost cos I can just use Apple Maps to get back right? No, remember I am shit at maps? I am just comforting myself so that I don't have a panic attack. So I walk along the street, enjoying the view and the pleasant feeling of travelling alone. I went into souvenir shops, bought some magnets (a must!) and into candy shops. I wanted to buy something sweet but then I just couldn't cos it's just so expensive, and the portion is huge. Then I went to this Asian noodle shop and ate my breakfast (brunch more likely). The portion, again, was HUGE. I couldn't finish and I feel so bad cos it's like 9 euros and I couldn't finish. After eating I walked along the street again, passed some shops like MAC, Pandora, Abercrombie and Fitch etc. Then my stupid ass got stopped by a salesperson, drank their tea and she insisted on me following her inside the shop to see something (which is expensive skincare stuff), I took her sample and ran. She wanted me to follow her so when she turned around I bailed. I heard her calling me behind but I just ran. I should just walk away like I do every time at salesperson tho. I am so stupid. Then I went to the Bloemenmarkt (which is NOT in my itinerary, I just happen to overhear people asking direction to it so I went). It is basically flower market (literal translation) and they don't really have flowers. Only bulbs. Only two places I passed got sell real flowers. I was disappointed, of course, cos I am a big fan of flowers and I love me some tulips. Then I went to the Rijksmuseum, well I passed the Rijksmuseum cos I didn't bother going in cos I figure it might cost me money and I don't feel like spending money on museums that I don't know what's inside. Well they have Rembrandt but I am not really familiar with him, so I skipped. The 'I Amsterdam' sign is there and a number of people there are just scary. And they were climbing on it taking pics and I was like 'wtf are you people doing STAHP', well I didn't really get a pic with it cos people. Oh well, so I then went straight to my homie's museum.

VAN GOGH!

My homie.

I love Van Gogh. He's my favourite. His story brings tears to my eyes every time. I was planning to go and see the famous starry sky BUT it's not there.

THE FAMOUS STARRY SKY IS NOT IN VAN GOGH MUSEUM ARE YOU KIDDING ME WTF DUDE

It's in New York.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN NEW YORK BRO COME BACK TO AMSTERDAM GOSH THEY BUILT A MUSEUM FOR YOU 

But anyways, I got to see his other works. I love the Sunflower and his self-portraits. And I got emotional at the letters that he wrote and received. They were on display and they have little speakers on the wall for you to listen to an excerpt of the letter. I love the concept. Made me even more emotional. The museum is smaller than the Louvre (OF COURSE DUH) and I only took about an hour to finish everything. I was tempted to buy the audio guide but it's 5 euro and I am cheap. Well, I can read, so I will just read the descriptions there. I bought a book and a picture card from the museum gift shop. Usually, I don't buy stuff from gift shops but this is an exception. The book I purposely bought the German one because it would inspire me to study. Cos it's Van Gogh and in German. Oh, and there is no student discount (BOO!) it's 17 euro. Was it worth it, not really, Louvre was 15, and it's huge and has Mona Lisa. You don't even have Starry Sky.

Oh well.

After Van Gogh, I went to another museum just opposite - Stedelijk Museum.  I didn't go inside. It's like 8 euros (student price) cos I don't wanna go see contemporary art. (I am not really a fan? I like dead people stuff. Sorry) I went to the gift shop instead (haha), there are a lot of books about art here in Amsterdam and there is a book that I especially like, but it's like 25 euros so I didn't buy and I don't think my parents would approve. Cos it has nudity and sexual themes. It's a photo book. I like it a lot cos it's real, it's human, it's natural, it's raw, it's art. I like erotic things, I feel like it's the rawest form of art and it's human. I don't know. I don't feel poetic right now my brain is falling asleep but I am determined to finish this post, or I might just break it down into two parts, or not. Anyways, after visiting the gift shop, I went to this huge field outside and just lie down on it. It's so chill and relaxing. If I were to do this in Malaysia, lying on the grass with the sun shining down on my face, people would think I have brain damage or something. But here, it's just nice. It's really nice. The sky is very blue, the grass is green, and at that moment, everything was perfect. I stayed there, ate my waffle and just enjoying life. I saw an adorable doggo who's ears flew so high cos of the wind. It has been an amazing day.
After that, I took the tram and went to... Okay, I seriously forgot where I went. From what I can recall, I went to a bookstore, I went to quite a number of bookstores. I went into a lot of shops cos it's freezing outside and I just need to go inside to warm myself up. Oh, and I saw a couple got separated cos the boyfriend didn't get into the tram in time and it's so funny. The whole tram laughed. The guys face was like 'WTF MANNNN' but the station is just nearby so no problems. I went to a cafe (not coffee shop cos those sell cannabis and weed and I hate the smell. Seriously hate it) and had Americano like I always do. It's yum. The Americano here is slightly more sour than the one in Paris but otherwise still good. Then I went to Dam Square (also not in my itinerary, come to think of it I went to lots of places that are not in my itinerary today) and Rembrandt Square. I just kept walking and walking and walking with no real destination cos I really don't know where to go and I am just lost. Like really lost. I don't know where I was and I don't really care.
So, in the end, I took the tram to go back to my hostel. Again, I had to try three times before I got the right tram. I was really tired, mentally mostly, I just hope there's someone here to help me figure out the way.

Oh well.

And it's FREEZING. The wind is just too much and I was mentally screaming the whole time. I couldn't understand how people could wear only tank tops in the icy wind. It's murder. It's so horrible. Oh yeah, I almost went inside the Sex Museum. It's 5 euros but I figure it would be boring if I went alone.

I'll be leaving to Düsseldorf tomorrow to start my course. Study time. Finally.
Like for real, I am actually glad cos at least I will be at a place where I won't be alone, and not have to think about what to do all the time. So I'm excited. And to a place where I understand about 30% of the language.

Yayerz.

Air kisses,
Delilah